Common Barriers to Listening

Listening is so much more than just ‘hearing’. Active listening means stopping your own internal monologue, devoting your attention to the sender and seeking to truly understand the sender’s message.

Common barriers to careful listening include:

• Constantly comparing yourself to the speaker (eg, ‘Who is smarter? Who’s had it rougher?’);
• Trying to mind read what the talker really thinks;
• Planning what argument or story to give next;
• Filtering so that one hears only certain topics or doesn’t hear critical remarks;
• Judging a statement to be ‘crazy’ or ‘boring’ or ‘stupid’ before it is completed;
• Going off on one’s daydreams;
• Remembering your own personal experiences instead of listening to the talker;
• Busily drafting your prescription or advice long before the talker has finished telling his or her woes;
• Considering every conversation an intellectual debate with the goal of putting down the opponent;
• Believing you are always right, so no need to listen;
• Quickly changing the topic or laughing it off if the topic gets serious;
• Placating the other person by automatically agreeing with everything they say (“You’re right… Of course… I agree…”)

How many of the common barriers to listening do you identify with?  What can you do to change these habits?

Leadership: Smile and the world smiles with you!

Past research by social scientists around the world confirm that when a leader is in a happy mood, the people around him or her are more cheerful.  The collective mood of the group lifts.  People with a positive leader are more optimistic, creative, efficient and predisposed to be helpful.  Research conducted by Alice Isen at the US’ Cornell University in 1999, for example, found that a upbeat and uplifting environment fosters mental efficiency; people in positive environments tended to be better at absorbing and retaining information, at decision-making, critical analysis, complex reasoning and more flexible in their thinking.

Other research links mood and financial performance.  In 1986, for instance, Martin Seligman and Peter Schulman of the University of Pennsylvania established that insurance agents with a “glass half-full” outlook were more successful than their pessimistic peers, because they were able to persist despite rejections.

It appears that mood contagion is a real neurological phenomenon, but not all emotions spread with the same ease.  A 1999 study conducted by Sigal Barsade at the Yale School of Management demonstrated that cheerfulness and warmth spread easily among work teams, while irritability caught on less so, and depression least of all.

It’s hardly a surprise that laughter is the most contagious of all emotions.  Hearing laughter, we find it almost impossible not to laugh or smile, too.  Why?  It seems our brains’ open-loop circuits are designed to detect smiles and laughter, ensuring we respond in kind.  Scientists hypothesise that our brains were hardwired in this way because smiles and laughter cemented allegiances, thus helping the survival of the species.

The implication for leaders is this: laughter really is the best medicine.
Humour hastens the spread of a positive and progressive environment.

Are you a leader in your family, work environment or social group? How could you be making better use of laughter to inspire and motivate those around you? If you are interested in becoming a better leader we have  14 units specifically tailored to growing you as a leader. If you are interested in more information about the difference improving your leadership skills will make in your life please Contact Us today!

Why Modern Relationships Aren’t Working

What was good enough for our parents doesn’t seem to be good enough for us.  We are no longer willing to make such enormous personal sacrifices.  We demand and deserve lasting happiness, intimacy and passion with a single partner.  If we don’t get it we are prepared to sacrifice the marriage; personal fulfilment is now more important than the family unit.

What’s the solution?  It’s not in divorce or self-sacrifice.  The answer lies in learning to create relationships that support our personal fulfilment.  There is nothing wrong with wanting more than our parents did.  The truth is, times have changed, and our values have changed with them.  The new problems we face are not symptoms of failure, rather the result of the evolution of our society.

Over and over we have witnessed couples on the verge of divorce miraculously fall in love again.  Through discovering and recognising their mistakes, they do not feel so powerless and hopeless.  Their hearts open up again. Understanding our parts of the problem lets us release our blame and begin practicing new skills, which transform our relationships.

Why Many Modern Women are Unhappy
They are overworked, overstressed, and commonly feel unsupported and overwhelmed with good reason.  At no other time in history has so much been expected of them.  At least 5 days a week, they put on a uniform and march into an 8-12 hour battle.  When they come home, they need to clean the house, make the dinner, do laundry, love and nurture the kids, and also be pleasing and happy as well as romantically receptive to their mates.  It’s just too much to ask of themselves, and it’s making them feel split inside.  At work, women are required to think, talk, react, dress and behave according to the traditional masculine rules of conduct.  At home, they have to switch to being warm, giving and feminine.

Why Many Modern Men are Dissatisfied
Modern men feel underpaid, defeated and unappreciated.  Like women, they are experiencing the toll that a two-career marriage takes.  Years ago, when a man returned to a stay-at-home wife she could easily show him how much she appreciated his efforts and sacrifices.  Happy to care for him because she wasn’t stressed out, she asked for very little in return.  Now, abruptly, the home as a male comfort base is under siege.  Many men work just as hard, if not harder than their forefathers, but still can’t manage to be their family’s sole support.  Deprived of the strong sense of self that being a sole provider would bring him, on a deep emotional level he easily feels defeated when his partner seems unhappy and unfulfilled.

The work world does nothing to nourish the female spirit and is dramatically affecting the quality of man/woman relationships.  Men are wired to give all to their work, then come home and receive.  To a great extent women are built to give and receive at the same time.  Women love to give but need to be fuelled simultaneously: when they give without receiving, they tend to give more and eventually feel overwhelmed, empty, and resentful. In some cases, just as the woman feels responsible for doing it all at home, a man is socially programmed to also feel that it is all her responsibility.  Just as it is difficult for her to relax and do less, it is equally difficult for him to find the energy to help out.  His programming is saying that his job is done when he returns home, while hers is saying she needs to do more.

The difference between female burn out and fulfilment is determined not by how much a woman does at work but by the quality of the support she receives.  A woman can forget the problems of the day by remembering them and talking about them.  She does this in a non-linear, unedited, emotional way.  Men banish the problems of the day by not talking about them.  By bringing them up in conversation, a man would have to address himself to solving them.

While it is important for men not to talk, it is equally important for woman to talk – but it is not necessary for him to talk back to her, he only needs to listen.  A man can be stressed out from a day at work, but if his partner is happy with him he feels fulfilled – when he senses her appreciation of his labour, his stress level dissipates.  But when an exhausted woman returns home to a happy man, he doesn’t make her day.  She needs to communicate and feel some nurturing support before she can begin to appreciate him.

A man thrives on appreciation because it directly nurtures his male side.
A woman thrives on communication because it directly nurtures her female side.
By understanding and honouring these differences we can create mutually fulfilling relationships.

How can you use this information in your relationship?Are you dissatisfied or unhappy with how things have been lately? A coach may be able to help! Confident Future has 11 units that specifically focus around creating the relationship of your dreams! So what are you waiting for? Get in touch if you want more information by providing your email address below!

Time Management - A Paradigm Shift

Despite all your best efforts with To Do Lists, Action Plans, prioritisation, calendars, state-of-the-art diaries and up-to-the minute timetables, do you find yourself saying that there are “never enough hours in the day”?

The two primary factors that drive our choices concerning how we spend our time are urgency and importance.

It is a status symbol in our society to be busy.  If we are busy, we are important.  We can even get our security from it; it is validating, popular and pleasing and it is also a distraction from looking at what is really important. Many of the traditional time management tools focus us on doing the urgent things.  However, the more time and energy we spend doing the urgent, the less we have available for doing the important.  Many of the things that are important to us achieving our objectives are not urgent, and therefore are left by the wayside.  Take a look at this table below:

The next table displays the average amount of time spent in each quadrant. The first estimated figure is what we should all be aimin gfor, however the second figure (in red) shows us how much time we really normally spend there:

As we can see, many of the things that are important to us achieving our objectives are not urgent. Ask yourself, where did you spend most time last week? Are you focusing on the Urgent areas at the expense of Non Urgent, but Important, areas of your life? What could you do to make a positive step towards better managing your time today?

Types of Procrastinators

This article follows on in our line of articles on Procrastination. If you are interested the previous articles are:

• What is Procrastination?
• Why People Procrastinate
• Are You A Professional Procrastinator?

If you scored highly on the procrastination test, you’re not alone.  In their 1994 survey of procrastination, social researchers McCown and Roberts found that forty percent of people experienced procrastination and just over twenty five percent of people experienced chronic debilitating procrastination.

Whilst it’s clearly a problem that affects a large number of people, we can divide procrastinators into a few broad categories:

Behavioral Procrastinators
Some procrastinators have simply adopted and reinforced a bad habit.  Many people avoid tasks that they find unpleasant or difficult and instead engage in activities that are more rewarding in the short-term.

If you can identify that your procrastination is the result of bad habits or poor time management, then implementing some new techniques can help markedly (Our coaches cover these techniques as part of your coaching).  Avoiding distractions, breaking big jobs down into manageable tasks and training yourself into “getting started” will all help.

It is more likely, however, that you know how to manage your time but don’t make use of those skills; you know what you should do, but don’t seem to get around to doing it.  If that’s the case, read on…

Emotional Procrastinators
Procrastination is unrelated to ability or intelligence.  Instead, psychologists have discovered procrastination to be the result of one of two things:
1.    Anxiety (most obviously, fear of failure); or
2.    A lack of conscientiousness or impulsiveness.

Anxious Procrastinators
Anxious procrastinators often feel both an intense pressure to succeed and a fear of failure.  These people feel overwhelmed by pressures, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals, dissatisfied with accomplishments, indecisive, are blaming of others or circumstances for failures, lacking in confidence and, often have perfectionistic expectations.

The underlying fear of an anxious procrastinator is of failing.  They fear a lack of ability, of being imperfect, and of falling short of overly demanding goals.

These people think that their worth is determined by what they do.  They are often afraid of being judged and found wanting. Thus, this kind of procrastinator will get over-stressed and over-worked until he or she escapes the pressure temporarily by trying to relax.  But any enjoyment gives rise to guilt and more apprehension.

According to Neil Fiore in his 1989 book Conquering Procrastination, if the work pressure is already too great, exhorting the anxious procrastinator to “try harder,” “get yourself organised,” “this is a tough job, so don’t put it off,” or “no friends and no fun ‘til the work is done” is counterproductive.  Such typical advice only increases the pressure and unpleasant feelings about the task to be done.  This kind of procrastinator has to reduce the unpleasantness of the task and then he or she will get it done.

Relaxed Procrastinators
Relaxed procrastinators are often dismissive of their work.  They live in constant denial, avoiding challenging tasks by concentrating on other distracting activities.  They tend to live in the moment, “going with the flow”, chasing a happy life, rather than chasing their dreams.

These procrastinators are impulsive, are often unable to delay gratification of pleasure and lack of self-control.  They may be antiauthoritarian and therefore avoid meeting external demands (from the boss, the university lecturer or a parent).  Relaxed procrastinators may lack motivation, energy or organisation.

This work-avoiding, pleasure-seeking procrastinator will not feel much pressure to change, unless he or she is confronted with a crisis.  This may be failing a course, a serious reprimand from the boss, or a fractured relationship.  As with the smoker who needs a cancer scare or the obese person who needs a heart attack, unless a pleasure-seeking procrastinator can change of his or her own volition, it will take a crisis to bring him or her to attention.

If you identify with what was written above a Coach will really help you to resolve your procrastination and start moving forward. How good would that feel? If you’re interested then take action today and Contact Us about getting started with a Coach.

Are You A Professional Procrastinator?

This quiz follows on from several other recent articles we’ve posted on procrastination and serves as a way for you to find out how much of a problem your procrastination is for you right now. The previous articles are:

• What is Procrastination?
• Why People Procrastinate

Give yourself a score for each question.   Choose 1 to indicate “never or rarely”, 2 to indicate “sometimes”, or 3 to denote “often or always”. Write your scores down on a piece of paper so you can tallly them up at the end.

1. I wait until the last minute to do things.
2. I deceive myself into believing that a mediocre performance or lesser standards are acceptable.  “Near enough is good enough”.
3. I often underestimate the work involved in a task.
4. Sometimes I overestimate my abilities or how long it will take me to do something (I tell myself it “will only take an hour”, when really it needs six).
5. I feel sick when faced with an unpleasant job.
6. I avoid confrontations.
7. I worry that I won’t live up to other people’s expectations, or my own.
8. I avoid making difficult decisions.  I become paralysed when deciding between alternative choices.
9. I focus on one portion of a project (for example, writing and rewriting the introductory paragraph to a paper) to the detriment of all else.
10. I am reluctant to take risks or try something new.
11. I blame others or the situation to avoid doing something.
12. I make big plans but rarely carry them out.
13. I tell myself that repeated minor delays are harmless.  Deadlines are just guidelines, right?
14. My social calendar is so busy that it is hard to get important work done.
15. I distract myself from the urgent, important task with less urgent tasks (for example, cleaning the office rather than writing the report).
16. I act as though ignoring a task will make it go away.
17. I dramatise my commitment to a task or project rather than actually doing (for example, I take work home, but leave it in the briefcase).
18. I find myself making excuses not to do something I know I need to do.
19. If a task is boring, I’ll never get motivated to start.
20. I strive for perfection.  If a task can’t be completed perfectly, I won’t start.

Tally up your scores now.

A score of between 30 and 45 indicates a tendency towards procrastination (but you’re really still an amateur). A of score of more than 45 indicates a serious procrastination problem!

If you feel like procrastination is a challenge facing you then you should read about the different Types of Procrastinators.

Why People Procrastinate

You may have already read our article on What is Procrastination? This article continues where the previous article left off and explains why people procrastinate.

While the term “procrastination” technically refers to the avoidance of a specific task that needs to be accomplished, this explanation doesn’t begin to capture the emotions triggered by the word.  For most of us, the word “procrastination” reminds us of past experiences where we felt guilty, lazy, inadequate, anxious, or stupid - or some combination of these.  It also implies a value judgment; if you procrastinate, you are bad, and as such, lack worth as a person.

Procrastination is quite complex.  It involves emotions, skills, thoughts or attitudes, and subconscious reactions to various events.  Furthermore, the causes and dynamics of putting off an important but unpleasant task vary from person to person and from task to task for the same person.  Just some of the myriad of reasons we might procrastinate include:

• Lack of Relevance. If something is neither relevant nor meaningful to you personally, it may be difficult to get motivated to even begin.  The task may be boring.  If a project has been imposed or assigned to you and it is not consistent with your own interests, you may be reluctant to spend the necessary time to see it to conclusion.

• Perfectionism. Having unreachable standards will discourage you from pursuing a task.  Perfection is unattainable and perfectionists know this, so are often reluctant to start.

• Evaluation Anxiety. Since others’ responses to your work are not under your direct control, overvaluing these responses can create the kind of anxiety that will interfere with work getting accomplished.

• Ambiguity. If you are uncertain of what is expected of you - your priorities, goals or objectives are unclear - it may be difficult to get started.

• Fear of the Unknown. If you are venturing into a new realm or field, you don’t have any way of knowing how well you’ll do.  Such an uncertain outcome may inhibit your desire to begin.

• Fear of Failure. You may think that if you don’t get an ‘A’, you are failure.  Or that if you strive for something and don’t achieve it that you, as a person, are a failure.

• Inability to Handle the Task. If through lack of training, skill, or ability you feel that you lack the personal resources to do the job, you may avoid it completely.

• Feeling Overwhelmed. The task is so momentous that it seems impossible to achieve.  Where to begin?  Why even start?

• Fear and Anxiety. You spend so much time worrying about the task rather than completing it.

• Negative Beliefs about Yourself. Your inner critic tells you “I cannot succeed in anything” or “I lack the necessary skills to perform the task”, ensuring you never start anything.

“A wise person does at once, what a fool does at last.  Both do the same thing; only at different times.” - Baltasar Gracian

In order to understand and solve your procrastination problems, you must carefully analyse those situations where your work is not being completed.

Now that you have an understanding of why we do it you may want to see if you are a professional procrastinator… We’ve got a quick online quiz that will give you an idea about whether you are a Professional Procrastinator.
Takes the Professional Procrastinator Quiz!

A Survey of Success

In 1953, Harvard University famously conducted a detailed survey of its graduating senior class. The questionnaire that each of the three thousand students filled out specifically asked that participants look deeply at their expectations of life.

In 1973 another questionnaire was completed by each of the two thousand remaining ex-students that were contactable. In many areas of life the results were quite predictable. In some, there were a number of surprises; however nothing had prepared the researchers for the shock they received when appraising the respondents’ net worth.

Shock Number One arrived in the form of a 97% to 3% split. Any one of the 3% (sixty people) selected on their own, had a net worth greater than the other 97% combined. Put in everyday language, any single one of these sixty people could have bought and sold the other 1940 individuals combined.

Shock Number Two was the realisation that these sixty people did not constitute the ‘cream’ of the graduating class. Their positions in their various classes at graduation turned out to bear no relation to their successes in life. It was not the geniuses who had succeeded financially.

Shock Number Three was that the 1953 survey unknowingly predicted this 97% to 3% split. The students of 1953 had predetermined their own success levels, and the information lay dormant for twenty years.

Before any further consideration of this amazing material, let us consider the following state of affairs in Australia: six of Australia’s ten wealthiest people do not have university educations; three of the remaining four failed university at their first attempts; the last graduated having taken five years to obtain a three year degree and none of the four with degrees actually use it directly in the production of their income. So, if you think that you aren’t academically inclined, you’re in the right company!

If you could find out a secret that would guarantee your success in everything you attempted, would you treat it like a valuable tool and commit yourself to using it, even if you did not understand how it could possibly work? If it was the silliest thing you ever heard of, but you knew that it worked well for others over extended periods of time, would you stick with it anyway?

So, What Was the Secret?
What was it that these sixty people had in common in 1953 that brought them enough wealth to live on happily ever after, even if they never worked again?

These people – and most successful people, for that matter – didn’t just think about what they wanted. Anybody can sit and consider what they would like to have happen in their future, but it takes a brave human being to actually commit it to paper and say to themselves, “this is what I am making a stand for in my life; this is what I want to do”. Essentially, the difference between a dream and a goal is the written word.

Time and again, sociological experiments have demonstrated that specific, challenging goals result in better performance than vague goals, no goals, or people simply trying to “do their best”.

Putting things down in black and white is the key. There is a magic that mobilises the brain when we set a goal on paper. In simple physics (which has nothing to do with the magic) when you write down a goal, it makes its first step into the physical plane. Before this time, your goal has existed purely in the esoteric thought patterns that rattle around inside your head. Consequently, writing down your goals is one of the most basic secrets of success, whether you like it or not.

If the secret to success is so simple, is there any reason why you shouldn’t start doing it today?

What is Procrastination?

To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness; to postpone or delay needlessly. - Webster’s Dictionary

Procrastination is a strange phenomenon.  Its purpose seems to be to make our life more pleasant, but instead it almost always adds stress, disorganisation and frequently failure.  The process has been described by psychologists as:

1. You have an objective, usually something you and others value and respect.  There may be a deadline, so you say to yourself, “I must start.”

2. You delay, briefly thinking of real and imagined advantages of starting later - “I’ll do it tomorrow when I don’t have much to do.”

3. You delay more, becoming self-critical - “I should have started sooner” - and/or self-excusing - “I really couldn’t have left the party early last night, my best friends were there.”

4. You delay still more, until finally the task has to be done, usually hastily - “Just get it done any old way” - or you just don’t have time - “I can’t do this!”

5. You berate yourself - “There is something wrong with me” - and swear never to procrastinate again and/or you discount the importance of the task - “It doesn’t matter.”

6. You repeat the process almost immediately on other important tasks, as if it were an addiction or compulsion.

The wisest course of action, most of the time, would be to simply do the unpleasant task as soon as practical, while we have enough time to do the job right and get it over with, not prolonging our agony.  But we put it off.  Why?

Now you have an understanding of what procrastination is you might want to know Why People Procrastinate?