Do you find it difficult to have difficult conversations at work? Join the club! The bad news is – most people find it difficult to have open, honest conversations at work, particularly in the following situations:
- Opinions vary. You’re talking to your boss about your career. He/she thinks you’ve still got plenty to learn where you are, and you want a promotion.
- The stakes are high. You’re in a strategic session with your colleagues, and you’re trying to determine the direction of the company. Making the wrong decision will have serious consequences.
- You’re under pressure. You’re in Sales, with some tough targets, and you’re taking strain. A colleague in Administration has just told you your orders can’t be processed due to your shoddy paperwork. You feel like exploding!
So how do we typically handle difficult conversations?
According to Joseph Grenny and Kerry Patterson in their book ‘Crucial Conversations’, when we face difficult conversations, we do one of three things:
- We avoid them by walking away.
- We face them and handle them poorly.
- We face them and handle them well.
This seems pretty straightforward. We can walk away from a difficult conversation and suffer the consequences. We can handle it poorly and suffer the consequences, or take the best option, which is to have the conversation, and handle it well. So how do we do this?
Using some of the techniques from our online ‘Learn NLP Anywhere’ course, here are some ideas on how you can take the lead and create change – one conversation at a time:
- Get into rapport with the other person. This means creating a state of mutual trust and respect between yourself and the other person.
- State your positive intention and desire to work things out. “My reason for getting us together is to find a win/win solution to the problem we’re having with missed deadlines.”
- Ask the other person what their positive intention is. This could be, for example that they want to ensure the expectations of clients are met, whilst not compromising on morale within the department.
- Explore options, and find a common intention on a higher level, that will satisfy both of you. This also involves deciding on what you can both live with and what you can’t live with, and deciding on what you are willing to let go of to move forward. “So what we both want is to deliver on our promises and create a happy working environment, which we can do by introducing flexible working hours”.
- Use Perceptual Position to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. See, hear and feel the conversation through the eyes and ears of the other person. If you do this well, you will get a sense of what the other person believes and values, which will help you become more empathetic to the other person’s needs and wants. You can also explore the situation through the eyes and ears of a neutral observer, a fly on the wall, a hidden video camera. When we add these new dimensions to our own perspective, we learn new ways of behaving that will enrich and enhance each and every relationship we are in.
- Use great questions to open doors. A great question is influencing, without being controlling, and rapport is important. Examples are: ‘Can you tell me a little bit more about the importance to you of a becoming a manager?’ ‘What is it about becoming a manager that’s specifically important to you?’, ‘Is there another position which could satisfy your needs?’
- Learn from the experience. Ask yourself, in hindsight, how would you do things differently? How could you choose to think/feel/act differently? You could also ask yourself what you could do, to prevent a similar situation from happening again.
- Agree on specific actions. Whatever you agree on, deliver on, and move forward with a positive spirit.
Change is often a challenge, but once you commit to improving the quality of conversations in your workplace, you’ll be amazed at the results. One person truly can make a difference!
Want to learn more about using NLP? Then make sure you check out The Secrets to Learning NLP and the accompanying free video series by clicking here:
» Get Started Learning NLP Online
This post has been written by Jenny Wensing, Confident Future South Africa.
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Online learning is hot. And for very good reasons. If it is done well, it produces phenomenal results, whilst offering massive benefits.
Here are some of the advantages of online training:
- Flexibility. You can learn any time anywhere. Online learning can be done at home, at the office, on the road, in bed if you like whilst wearing your PJ’s , 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
- Cost effective. Since online learning can be done from any geographic location, and there are no travel and accommodation expenses, this type of learning is much less costly than the traditional training. NLP Practitioner courses in South Africa, for example cost around R16,000, and in the U.K. around £2,500,and in Australia it would cost around AUD$4,000. For a fraction of the price you can study NLP online. For example, the Confident Future online NLP training course costs only $497 US.
- Personalised learning. Look out the window at the car park. My guess is you’ll see a dozen or more different types of cars. They will all get you from A to B, yet we all want the journey to be different. The same for learning. Learners want to be in the driving seat. Online learning is all about empowering learners with options and choices on when they learn, and how they learn.
- Ongoing access to resources. If you go on a traditional course held in a training room, you’d better be wide awake. Otherwise, you might miss something important. That’s not the case with online learning. If you find yourself drifting off, you can go back to the online content and resources whenever you choose.
- Knowledge management. Many people see online learning as only downloads of PDF files. But the best online learning includes all sorts of multi-media experiences, including video’s and opportunities to share and connect with other learners via Facebook and other social media forums.
- Self paced learning. Ever been on a course, where the pace is either too slow or too fast for you? With online training, you work at your own pace. So, if you grasp some of the concepts really quickly, you can move on to the next segment straight away. If there are other sections which you need to spend more time on, you can, and without that feeling that you’re holding up the rest of the group.
- Retention: Since people learn at their own pace with online learning, retention rates are often higher than in a training room environment. With the best online learning systems in the world, learners have access to coaching and can interact with other students.
- Freedom to fail: Let’s face it, real learning requires some failure. But no one likes to fail in a training room full of other people. Online learning lets you fail (and therefore learn!) without fear. This encourages exploration and testing of ideas.
- Learning styles. Most people don’t learn from simply hearing the content, but by seeing it in action, and doing something with it. In a traditional training environment, too much time is spent listening and not enough time doing.
- Environment. Online learning is good for the environment. A study conducted at Britain’s Open University found that producing and providing distance learning courses consumes an average of 90% less energy and produces 85% fewer CO2 emissions per student than conventional face – to face courses.
So – online learning makes sense. It is cost effective and can produce fantastic results. It’s all a matter of how it is designed, and when and how it is used. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to leave a comment below.
A post by Jenny Wensing, Confident Future South Africa.
Confident Future was recently featured in Hallo Magazine, a Spanish magazine for Dutch Expatriates. Jenny Wensing’s recent article on 2020 was translated for their readers.
Click the image below to view the article in full:
What do you do with your goals after you set them firmly in your future? Do you write them down? Do you create a vision board or is having them in your mind enough for you? This video shares a straight forward technique known as a Goal Book. It is a place where you can place all of the goals that are important to you. Plus I share some tips on what to do with your goals once you complete them. Watch the video to find out more:
An article by Jenny Wensing, South Africa.
We are living in an era of unprecedented change. Technology has connected us into a 24-7 non-stop global community, business cycles are faster than ever and stakeholders require instant responses in the midst of turbulent market conditions. This is all happening against a backdrop of profound structural change at all levels in society, politics and economics.
According to global surveys conducted by authors Jeanne C. Meister and Karie Willyerd, and Futurist Graeme Codrington’s research, the following key trends will have a dramatic effect on workplaces for the decade ahead:
- Shifting workforce demographics. People will stay longer in the workforce, meaning that five generations of employees, from vastly different backgrounds will need to work together in collaborative teams.
- Globalisation/virtual workplaces. By 2020 experts forecast that BRIC nations (Brazil, Russia, India and China) will be leading the world economically, and there will be a migration of talent to these parts of the world.
- The digital workplace. The realm of digital information is constantly growing. There will be an increased demand for employees who can manage vast amounts of data, whilst keeping it secure.
- Use of mobile technology. Moving beyond communication, mobile phones will also be used extensively as training and educational devices.
- Hyperconnectivity. The current Facebook, and instant messaging trend will continue, keeping people constantly in touch.
- Knowledge economy. Knowledge is now doubling every 3 – 5 years. The demand for communication and relationship building skills, as well as technical skills will increase.
- Participation society. Consumers and employees will collaborate via online collaborative groups to improve products, services and business.
- Social atmosphere. A highly engaging social atmosphere will dominate future workplaces. 2010-2020 is also the decade for social networking, social media and social learning.
- Corporate Social Responsibility. CSR, already a key trend in large companies will be even more important in 2020.
- Millenials in the workplace. Wired since birth, the Millenial Generation (people born between 1977 and 1997) will make up nearly half of the workforce by 2014.
- Blended lifestyle and flexible working arrangements. We will continue to see the breakdown of the traditional office with ‘normal’ 9 – 5 office hours. There will be more flexibility and work-life flexibility will replace work-life balance.
Buckle up for the ride!
Each of these trends, and many others will shape our world in the next few years, bringing both threats and opportunities. The key is to be prepared. By 2020 the global talent shortage will be acute, and employees will expect their workplaces to reflect the following:
- Opportunities for lifelong, virtual learning. Tailor made career paths, and lifelong learning in emotional competencies as well as technical skills will be the norm. ‘What learning opportunities are provided?’ may well be one of the key questions job applicants pose in 2020.
- Honesty and dishonesty. There will be a greater demand for transparency, and honesty and dishonesty will be quickly noticed in the social media environment.
- Innovation. In a rapidly changing world, innovation is the key to survival.
- Social connection and collaboration. The 2020 workplace will be characterised by sharing and the forming of communities at all levels. Social media tools will be leveraged to network, collaborate and brainstorm concepts.
It was Peter Drucker, the management author who said: ‘The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence, it is to act with yesterday’s logic.” The most important first step in responding to these changes is to change how we think, and to explore the many exciting opportunities these workplace trends present. Brace yourself for an exciting journey!
One of ways that you can really help yourself is to make a habit of creating time for yourself. But sometimes that is easier said than done. In this video I share how I have been making time for myself lately and some ideas that will help you do the same.
Please leave a comment if this spoke to you or if there is a particular comment you would like to see covered in a future video.
This video shows how valuable NLP Values truly are (Excuse the pun) and gives an overview of the process involved. Enjoy and please leave a comment with your thoughts.
When you visit the Neuro-Linguistic Programming article on Wikipedia you may notice the big bold warning at the top:
Screen capture at the top of the NLP Wikipedia article taken 7th January 2012.
How does something like Neuro-Linguistic Programming, an increasingly well established field that has existed since the 1970’s, become a battleground on a well known website like Wikipedia? Now, you may be wondering: How is that a problem? I feel it is a problem because when anyone in the world types “NLP” or “Neuro-Linguistic Programming” into Google the first result they are likely to see is this unbalanced account that has been hacked apart of many years by more than a few people with an agenda contrary to one of spreading accurate and reliable information. Yes, NLP has attracted skepticism. But it has also helped thousands, if not millions, of people around the world. If we count the client lists of Anthony Robbins, Tad James, John Grinder, Richard Bandler and Chris Howard alone then we are talking about huge numbers of people. That is before any consideration is given to those Trainers that they have trained to teach these tools and techniques too.
The best summary I’ve read of the situation with the NLP Wikipedia article is:
… “despite the Wikipedia rules about what can appear on the site, the NLP-related page has been awash with lies, misinformation and useless citations for almost as long as the page has been in existence. To put it bluntly, content of the page have been largely controlled by one or more “sockpuppet masters”, who have done their best to keep the page filled with highly selective “evidence” designed to support their attacks on what they imagine “NLP” to be. All comments and evidence which contradict the misinformation is usually cleared from the page within a day or two of being posted.”…
Source: http://www.bradburyac.mistral.co.uk/novella.html
It seems like the current situation exists because of a few individuals who have created fake accounts (Also known as sockpuppets) to spur on the debate. But the problem is that these individuals have more than the upper hand in this situation. Wikipedia has very, very strict rules that govern what can and cannot be posted to the website. And the content guidelines are very specific:
…”Primary (original) research, such as proposing theories and solutions, original ideas, defining terms, coining new words, etc. If you have completed primary research on a topic, your results should be published in other venues, such as peer-reviewed journals, other printed forms, or respected online publications. Wikipedia can report about your work after it is published and becomes part of accepted knowledge; however, citations of such reliable sources are needed to demonstrate that material is verifiable, and not merely the editor’s opinion.”…
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:What_Wikipedia_is_not
And this is the crux of our problem. NLP doesn’t exist in ‘reliable sources’ very often. In fact, the founders seemed to have made a conscious decision to focus on modelling what works, writing it down themselves and sharing it with their audience. There is a lot involved in Hangon, you’re probably saying, they wrote it down? Can’t we reference their hundreds of books? Nope. Books written by people within the field don’t count as ‘reliable sources’.
The biggest problem seems to be that the people most threatened by NLP, the biggest critics so to speak, are often in the best position to create criticism in ‘reliable sources’ such as University Journals, papers at Academic Conferences and so on. And while criticism in these ‘reliable sources’ is not very prevalent, under the Wikipedia rules it is much more acceptable to be included. In fact, contributions to the Wikipedia article referencing the books written by authors who are NLP Trainers can be deleted as an unreliable source!
Until Wikipedia relaxes their rules OR NLP becomes more established and verified in these ‘reliable sources’ I being NLP will never be accurately represented on Wikipedia. I welcome your discussion. If you have ideas, suggestions or comments then join the discussion and let me know!
Further reading for those who are interested:
- Wikipedia article on Neuro-Linguistic Programming
- Wikipedia Discussion Page for the article on Neuro-Linguistic Programming
- Master Sock Puppeteer Outed? on NLP Connections Forum
In the latest video from Jenny Wensing she lifts the cover on motivation just in time for 2012. Discussing the difference between Towards Motivation and Away Motivation Jenny then shares with you how you can better motivate yourself through changing how you use language. For a fast and simple motivation top up watch this video, change your language and enjoy your results!
Wishing you each and every success in 2012 – may this be your best year yet!
In this video Jenny Wensing shares The Power Relationship Question that you can use to better understand your partner and improve your intimate relationship. Watch this video for a quick exercise that you can implement immediately in your life. An ideal video for anyone that is in an intimate relationship or wants to be.
For further information about The 5 Love Languages and to take the online test check out this previous blog post:
» The 5 Love Languages
