Understand FIRST

Each and every person that you speak to will have their own map of the world. What this means is that they will have their own values, their own ideas about what is right/wrong and their own likes and dislikes. And what this also means is that when you begin to hear what they are saying you are likely to be hearing the words that they say, but applying your own personal values, ideas about what is right/wrong and your own likes and dislikes. All to often I used to find myself listening to someone with the intense urge to jump in and tell them the solution to their problems. To let them know what I think they should be doing and how they should be doing it. But what I found is that this was a fast track to losing friends and infuriating people.

One of the key presuppositions of NLP is to have respect for the other person’s model of the world. And what I began to realise is that by jumping in and trying to ‘help’ people, without fully understanding their situation, I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. As I read the various books that are scattered around my house I stumbled upon a statement that really resonated with me:

Seek to understand FIRST, then seek to be understood

What I’ve found is that you never really understand another person, or what it is like for them. When people start to talk to me, instead of wanting to jump in with a solution, I find myself asking ‘What would I need to believe or think for that to be a problem?’. And slowly but surely I begin to listen to them as if what they are saying is 100% the truth for me. And I think to myself – if I believed all of this was true, how would I be feeling right now?

What I’ve found is that the more I do this, the more sincerely I can connect with people. The more I can appreciate what is going on for them. And from that new position of appreciation I can then provide suggestions. You’ll never guess what – they normally take them! Because when you take the time to fully listen to what someone is saying, and fully try to get a grasp of their world, you’ll be in such a powerful position to talk to them – because you can keep all of what you say within the context of their world, their limitations and their values.

This has obvious benefits in therapy. In my experience just fully listening to someone, and getting them to properly express their model of the world, can lead to significant shifts for them. It also has huge benefits in the business world, particularly in Sales. Overcoming objections, when you fully understand people’s needs, is a walk in the park. Suggesting the right product, when you’ve got an insight into their desires, is so much easier for you to do.

I encourage you, give it a shot. Focus on people you normally struggle with, partners, parents, children or colleagues, and truly do your BEST to understand where they’re coming from. And only when you feel like you can appreciate their position start to share your point of view. Enjoy the results!

Seek to understand FIRST, then seek to be understood

Further Reading:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Dr Stephen Covey (Habit #5)

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